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the only answer is yes. [12 Dec 2008|10:48am]
for once this feels SO right.

EDIT: maybe i'll add a little bit more to this entry haha. some bullets:

o not moving to chicago. waaaay to expensive.
o the stupid thing i did; i apologized, got it off my chest and feel much better now.
o done with fall semester. i think i did very well. slacked off a lot, but i worked it out.
o hanging out with a really great guy for the past couple of weeks.
o i couldn't be happier right now.
o a job would help, though.

happy holidays! love you all.

FIVE Things I'm Thankful For in December

five. my grandmother's sarcastic sense of humor
four. a toothbrush
three. when my sister mocks my irritibility haha
two. warm clothes
one. having a family to rely on
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swarley [12 Nov 2008|02:38pm]
I might move to Chicago. I'm really thinking about it...

In other news, seasons one and two of How I Met Your Mother have been providing some much needed joy in my life for the last week.

I did something stupid the other night. Blah.
4 comments|post comment

it's a mad mission with difficult conditions [15 Aug 2008|09:40pm]
why does it all seem so difficult sometimes? gaaaaaah.
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someone will wonder who lived here before and went on their way. [21 May 2008|12:58pm]
Is it wrong to envision yourself burning down your place of employment without any regard for the subsequent consequences that may arise? Arson is a pretty weighty crime to have on one's record...

but the joy I would feel. Sigh.

She says I deserve much better than this
It's getting pretty plain to see
She tells her boss,"here's my butt,
Why don't you give it a kiss-
You got all you're gonna get outta me"
Twenty years ago in typing class
Graduation day to pave the way
Nothing to show but a life moving too fast
And a fear of almost everything
And a fear of almost everything

But they say get down under these clouds
I was born down under these clouds
So I stand up and sing it out loud
Someone's still alive under their shroud
And I don't wanna die
Under these clouds

Her momma tried real hard not to pass it along
And so her Momma did before that
Somewhere, some day,
Someone'll sing this song
And how everything good goes bad
And it really was a gradual thing
Passes easy as a cigarette
You wake up one day wrapped up in a ball of string
Believing nothing good's happened to you yet
Feel like nothing good's happened to you yet

But they say get down under these clouds
I was born down under these clouds
So I stand up and sing it out loud
Someone's still alive under their shroud
And I don't wanna die
Under these clouds

Oh, Patty.
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maybe we could see the sea [15 May 2008|10:56pm]
oh, mraz. i've forgotten what you do to me.

well, i turned in an application for an apartment today. actually, i'm pretty sure i signed a lease. it all happened so fast haha. this probably deserves some explication.

a few weeks ago i was talking with my friend ramon online and he mentioned that one of his roommates was moving out. funny story- she's moving to spring hill to live with a girl that my sister teaches with. all together now! it's a small world after all...

so, anyway, he was looking at a job opportunity in chicago, but said if it fell through he would like me to come in as the third roommate. short version- the job didn't come through and he called me with the good/bad news! after looking at the apartment, i'm pretty confident with the decision to move in there. i've known ramon for a few years and he's a good guy. the other roommate, matt, seems harmless. the only negative thing would be that we share a bathroom. we're all adults, though, and it's not like we'll be fighting over the flat iron in the morning. we all have different schedules and i think it'll be no big deal.


oh, and did i mention they have dogs? and that rent is incredibly cheap? love that.

other than my adventures in apartment hunting, i've been keeping busy with work. open to close tomorrow. how exquisite. now i have school to add to the plate, and i'm rather excited about it this semester. what i'm NOT excited about are the expenses that have been piling up. i bought the access code for issues in sports (the online class i'm taking) today. $90. shoot me.

i could ramble on for ages, but instead i will begin to summarize my urban politics chapters and get to bed at a decent hour, hopefully.

good news: i just saved a ton of money on my car insurance.

I JEST. i did, however, pass all of my spring classes- a task that i was almost certain i would not meet. kudos, matt. kudos.
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[cinnamon] life. [13 May 2008|01:48am]
i could sit in bed curled up with my ipod and a bowl of cereal all freaking day.
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udaho. [12 May 2008|11:45pm]
Sometimes at night I'll sit in my driveway and watch things pass; cars are few and far between, but the landscape is bustling regardless. The brustle of the leaves against the pavement gives me the chills. I can't stop my mind from wandering. I remember the tires that once rolled along the pavement's corrugated surface. I recall an awkward boy clobbering up and down its length, crushing the choir of acorns that collected beneath the tree. He was so unaffected, so carefree and lively. He believed that acorns were full of cheese- why else would squirrels crave them so? I try my hardest to progress and take note of things that keep me from achieving that ultimate goal, but every once in a while I slide that under the bed in favor of a sophomoric self loathing. Over analyzer. Complicator. The Boy Without a Sieve.

There's been a pile of broken glass next to my bed for over four days. I enjoy its company.
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no one sees the deeds you've done. [14 Apr 2008|12:57pm]
I had a moment of clarity oh, I don't know, two weeks ago after my academic adviser injected me with the idea that I could graduate by the Fall semester of 2009. All of my required courses for both Summer and Fall were mapped out in a busy, but comfortable, schedule that seemed impossible to screw up. Then I remembered this is me we're talking about, and I ALWAYS find a way to screw things up.

I forgot to register for Fall.

doh.Collapse )

On top of that, I hate my job with a fiery passion. Good news, though- I just got a raise after being a supervisor for A FUCKING YEAR.

I could go on about how I'm unhappy with friendships (or lack thereof), and why I'm pretty sure I'll be alone forever, and money is stressing me out like no tomorrow but nobody really wants to read that crap.

My friends Ashley and Rachael have this appetizing little thing called a 'Shit Cake' that's built up of all the layers of crap that have happened to them throughout the year. We discussed at the end of '07 that the cake was abound with layers, but the next year was a fresh start.

It feels like a 10 tier chocolate 'Shit Cake' was rush ordered for 2008 and just arrived at my doorstep.
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i just can't be sure i'll ever change [02 Mar 2008|11:24pm]
what a month, what a month. so little going on, yet so much running through my head.

i need an apartment. i'm pretty much over the commute; luckily it's only two days a week, but it's still a pain in my arse.

i need friends. well, correction- i need to reach out to friends. i've noticed in the last month or so that i've been isolating myself more than usual. it's not unlike me to spend a weekend at home just chilling and playing guitar, but it's been different the last couple of weeks. there'll be days where i do absolutely nothing productive and just sit around blasting music on the stereo. that's all fine and well. truthfully, i think everyone has/needs days like that. there comes a time to be social, though, and i'm not taking advantage of my free time at all. i always say 'oh, i'm so busy. i don't have time to hang out'. sometimes i'm telling the truth- essays, homework and working my ass off at the Stone. overall, though, i'm just using that as an excuse. i need to get off my butt and start hanging out with people. i can feel myself shutting down. the slightest bit of social interaction makes me feel like a government experiment that broke from solitary confinement.

i miss spending time with my friends. i miss talking to people on the phone and catching up with them. i miss just sitting around and watching movies. i miss having the occasional get together and bonding over illegal intoxication. i miss being the person people came to with their problems.

just thinking about it gets me down, because i know i have friends that care...i'm just making half assed attempts at keeping the friendships going. i need a good slap.

i can't remember the last time i hugged someone that wasn't a family member.

and i am dyyyying to make out with someone. well, not just anyone...but god. sometimes you just crave affection, you know?

"i only really wanted to be wanted by you"

p.s: and this is kind of odd, but lately i've been developing crush-like symptoms on girls. what's with that? i think i've given up hope on men that live in florida. there is a certain someone who kinda makes me giddy in texas, but it's a bit too complicated to push it. i hate distance.
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soy world. [13 Jan 2008|07:47pm]
i love soy milk.

i don't have much to update on, actually, i just felt like keeping myself preoccupied on the computer a little while longer while i'm at work.

saw j u n o for a fifth time last night. i think that'll be the last for a while...until it's released on dvd, that is. something about that movie just makes me feel good. i often find myself wishing i could watch it when i'm having a rough day. hmm.

i've decided that i need to try and fit a little more spontaneous fun in my life. i've got a pretty concrete schedule throughout the week, but when i have the time to just explore i should go for it. what do i have to lose- a few hours of sleep? so what. i'm sure i'll make up for it when i'm a crippled old man.
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kept the flowers. [07 Jan 2008|11:56pm]
it might be a tad pathetic to dedicate an entire entry to a dog.

even more so when i realize that dog has been more of a friend to me than any human has the last six months.

sure, she craps all over the floor, pisses at my feet, and barks at my friends after they've already been in the house for an hour...

but i still love her like a baby sister, and it kills me to see her like this. she's skin and bones- a freaking warrior, considering the doctor said we'd be lucky if she made it past the 25th of december.

well, she did; however, she's been getting worse day by day. we finally decided to put her to sleep tomorrow morning. i know she won't feel anything, but i can tell she senses it's coming. i have a feeling she'll just let herself go in the middle of the night. truthfully, i would rather her do that. i don't want to have to carry her lifeless frame back into my car and bring her home- only to realize she won't leap out of my arms and scurry around the kitchen floor. she won't run to the cabinet and beg for another treat (fatass). she'll just lay on the cold tile, robbed of breath.

if my death and dying class taught me anything, i can't seem to apply it right now. it's all fuzzy: the concepts, theories, bereavement processes. all i know is she didn't deserve to go like this. i wish it was easier for her; that she didn't have this cancer devouring her strength.

i love you, shithead.

4 comments|post comment

coming & going [29 Dec 2007|06:58pm]
do you ever just sit and think about all the possibilities your life could've taken? i wonder all the time what things would be like if i acted on my instincts, if i spoke up instead of let things roll by, if i stood my ground, if i didn't care so much about it all. that whole 'each day isn't guaranteed' thing really never meant too much to me.

i found out my neighbor, mike, died of a heart attack on, that was pretty shocking. from what i can recall, he was in his 60s and he smoked profusely. it never failed- i'd come rolling around the corner in the early evening and i'd see mike leaning against his truck, savoring every puff of his cigarette. i saw him a few days ago- right before he today, gone tomorrow. it's just so fast. where do the days go?

and tonight, i read that one of the oldest friends of my family, joe pereira, died in august. i can barely string together a meaningful sentence right now...i spent a great portion of my best childhood memories at the pereira's house: swimming in their gigantic pool, putting on plays with stephanie and christine, and simply enjoying being surrounded by this family that felt like an extension of our own. he was a wonderful man. i can remember him coming to our house and picking up my guitar- showing me some new chords and demonstrating his favorite techniques. he loved magic tricks, and was a wicked cook. i just can't believe he's gone.

i have so much to say.

and i think i have so much time to say it.

but i don't.

i guess i better start speaking up, then.
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i'm the broken toy- boo fuckin' hoo. [20 Dec 2007|01:01am]
i just don't know what to do with myself lately.

i find solace in making mix CDs...spreading bundles of joy to friends like they were christmas miracles. like finding the exact amount of change in your pocket, allowing you to save that extra dollar. bam! miracle.

and i think about you; both of you. ohhh, all the time. it makes me sad, frustrated, and prevents me from going anywhere with anyone.

and i've even found myself thinking of you- how much of a waste patching up our friendship would be because you would only pull the same familiar stunts a few months from now. so, have fun with your life. enjoy your christmas. have fun on your 21st, cause i'm certain i won't be there. there's some kind of sick pleasure i receive in knowing that every time you hear certain songs or see certain people, you'll think of me and realize what you lost.

and that same pleasure also breaks my heart, because i'm not even sure that you'll care.
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mind reader. [24 Nov 2007|06:29pm]
i hope everyone had an enjoyable thanksgiving...mine was mixed between homework and, what else, food. my entire notebook is due wednesday in "death & dying" and an entire semester's worth of work is supposed to be inside of it. i have all of the main work done, but we have these random assignments like visiting a cemetery, planning our funeral, writing our obituary, filling out advanced directives with our well as 12 one page, single spaced journal entries and a brief paper on the movie "Tuesdays with Morrie". i have most of those done, too, save for a few journals and the movie paper.

yeah, i love that class.
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closet space. [23 Nov 2007|11:31am]
you know that feeling of apprehension you used to get when people asked you if you were gay? well, maybe not. i felt it all through high school and until recently, often in college. you lose it after a while...whether you've just become so accustomed to living your life or you make a conscious effort to not think about lose it. it seems to have found me in the form of a ten year old girl.

i came home the other night to the sounds of disney filling my sister's bedroom. my cousin was stretched across the bed like a rug, hogging the remote and loving every minute of it. my sister left the room to retrieve apple slices and i could sense my cousin's eyes boring through my skull.

"matty, i know"

shit. how the hell can a ten year old know this?

"you know...about what?"

she gave me the universal expression for 'duh'.

"about uncle randy! and just so you know, i don't care"

relief; she's referring to my mom and dad getting a divorce.

"oh. right. ok then!"

seconds later.

"do you have a secret you want to tell me?"

i scratch my brain for a second and have no idea what i would possibly want to divulge to her.

"nope, don't think so!"

and in comes my sister with the apples. with that, i leave the room to quench my thirst. i hear the crunching of apples followed by an obnoxious hacking. out comes my sister.

"yume has something she'd like to ask you. she goes: 'is matty gay?'. i about choked on my apple"

it was pretty clear what she wanted to know, so i simply shouted across the house: "YEP!"

unknown to me, my uncle and cousin have known for quite a few months now that i'm gay. there goes that weight!
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brakes. [18 Nov 2007|03:37pm]
alright, so the gun-ho mentality i had in my last entry was, unfortunately, short lived. i came to the realization (thanks in large part to my sister) that it's just not feasible for me to move into that kind of apartment RIGHT NOW. i'd be paying rent, cable, electric, a phone bill and car insurance. $8 an hour? yeah, not happening. i mean, i have financial money coming in and i'm taking out a loan, but there's still no way i could live comfortably there. i'm going to really think this out and hopefully some more roommates come along who are interested. i feel pretty shitty for ditching out on elyse, cause i was stoked about living with her. still, i need to think this out before i do anything rash.

sigh...Collapse )

i can't wait to just relax for a bit this week. it feels like i've had something due (a research paper, exams to study for, etc.) every week this semester. lord, just get me through 2007 healthy and sane.
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no time for capitalization. [16 Nov 2007|11:32pm]
wow, what a difference a month makes. a month ago i could barely bend down to pet my dog, and felt ridiculously unhappy and now i'm back at the gym and full of life.

apartment hunting...possibly the most complex feeling i've had in ages? so many thoughts running through my head at once- this would look great painted in brown. i want that bedroom. i love the staircase. i can't wait to paint the cabinets. how the fuck am i paying for this. i just can't wait anymore; i know leaving my mom alone is one of the toughest decisions i've ever had to make, but i can't wait another six months to do this. things are just...great lately. i really can't complain, although i certainly find a way to every so often. moving is just what i need to really break free from everything holding me back. i can feel it.

and about that last entry...well, there isn't anything to tell. slow and steady, slow and steady. there's no point in rushing things with so much going on around me. i need to train myself to just relax and enjoy the company of another guy without over-analyzing every single detail. difficult? yes. impossible? nope. i will make it happen because damn it...i like him a lot. (!!!)
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i will not say a thing, i'll just keep smiling [27 Oct 2007|01:48pm]
i've been working in customer service oriented jobs for about four years now, and it still amazes me how ridiculous people are. maybe it's because i've only worked in america and we're that way by nature, or maybe it's just florida is overrun with morons. probably a mixture of both.

at any rate, it's not the end of the world if you don't have your chocolate dipped waffle cone. kindly shut the fuck up, please.

last night was interesting- had a little gathering of cold stone employees for some good drunken times. i didn't really drink that much, and i ended up going home to sleep in my own bed once i felt well enough to drive. tonight's another party (garrrrrry!) but i'm not drinking- i have to work tomorrow afternoon, and i still have homework to do. can't get much accomplished with a hangover!

oh, and it's a costume party. i'm either going as a hillbilly (think joe dirt) or a stoner (complete with bob marley hair).
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bloody hell [15 Oct 2007|02:02am]
one would assume after working 4 to 11 that you would crash face first onto your bed in preparation for driving to school at 7:30 in the morning. Yet, this is what I managed to accomplish when I walked in the door until about 12:40 a.m.

- put away two loads of clean laundry
- wash and dry another load of laundry
- fill the dish washer
- save clean dishes
- tidy up the kitchen/ put food away
- gather the garbage and put it out
- vacuum my room
- unplug all useless appliances to avoid phantom electricity

absolutely ridiculous. and i can't sleep now...i've been trying to fall asleep for a half hour, but instead i'm online. and worried about my dog. she has lumps all over her body; mostly on her head, and the vet told us already if the swelling didn't go down in a few days, it's very likely she could have cancer. i hope it isn't, but it would explain why all she does is sleep anymore.

le sigh.

saw "across the universe" with charlie over the weekend and HOLY SHIT. what a crazy movie; good, but crazy.

jim sturgess, please come to america for good- specifically spring hill, fl- so i can rape you. with love, mss.
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do i make it that easy to walk in and out of my life? [05 Oct 2007|01:26pm]
"I know as soon as we talk, you'll act as if nothing is wrong. Then, after things have been fine for several months, we'll be back in the same place."

From an entry I posted in June 2006...

and nothing's changed.
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